We Did Our Best

Losing Elliott
These last couple of days have been an eye-opener for me, realising what a mental illness is and recognising its traits. This only relates to Elliott and his situation.

Let me tell you a bit about the Elliott we know. When Kay and I were first married we made a pack between us to try and have six children. That was to be our goal, however, if, for any reason, Kay’s life and health were put under any kind of threat, we would stop the goal and I would have the snip or Kay would, either way we would stop having children. Everything was going fine, up until the sixth and final child. We had 3 boys and 2 girls, all of whom were healthy children, and so was the last one, up until 6 or 7 weeks before the due date. The baby began to show stress signs, and at closer inspection, it was determined that Kay had Placenta Previa, which means that the Placenta was laid across the birth canal preventing a natural birth. This happens when several babies had been born living restricted space for the placenta to attach to the womb wall. It became obvious that Kay had to have a caesarean rather than a normal birth. Kay was taken into hospital 5 weeks before the birth so that they could closely monitor Kay and the baby. She had to have complete bed rest. Needless to say, it was a stressful time for us. We were worried about Kay and our unborn baby who at that time was underweight and gradually becoming more and more stressed. I visited with Kay every day and at every opportunity to support and comfort her. It was a countdown to reach the optimum time to deliver the baby. When contractions reached its optimum and the baby became at a maximum stress level, with Kay’s waters having broken. I was there in the hospital when it culminated into the maximum situation for birth. I waited in the ward as they took kay into theatre. I do not recall the length of time she was in there but eventually I was told that she was in recovery and the baby was fine, would I like to see him. I, of course, said yes please and they took me to the nursey where Elliott was in an incubator. He was covered in a white cream and was as wrinkly as an old man with a big nose. All typical of a premature baby, but he was healthy, and everything was working as it should. Kay came around about an hour later and was fully recovering with no problems. We had done it. We had realised our goal made 17 years before. We had six healthy, happy and contented children. I was still in university, so our prospects were good. Things could not have been any better. We were as happy as anyone could have been and so much in love with each other and our family.

We had achieved our goal and were set to live out our lives. From the day that Elliott was born until the day he emancipated himself from us he was and exemplary child. He became very close to Khadra who did most of the translating from baby talk to English. He was found to be dyslexic but that never held him back. He was a pleasure to raise, and we had no major incidents with him apart from having to take him out of school for a year and had to live in a 6-birth caravan during that time. I was selling high street returns at markets all over the UK during that time and Elliott would help me set up and take down our stalls. He would also help me with the repairs of items that needed it. I taught him how to fault find. Through that process I got very close to him, and he became my best friend. I spent a lot of time with him.

Life with Elliott was good. He had intussusception when he was just 4 months old but after he was given a priesthood blessing and was opened up everything had miraculously returned to normal, so, they took his appendix out so as not to waste the operation. Again, at four years old he was curled up in pain in his stomach uncontrollably crying and begging for relief. His brother, Derek, heard what was happening and came down to the hospital. Together, Derek and I managed to calm him down enough to give him a priesthood blessing. After the blessings, the nurses wanted to conduct some tests on him, so I believe we went to the cafeteria for 10 minutes. When we got back, Elliott was propped up in bed with a disconcerting look on his face, complaining that he did not want to stay in hospital all night and demanded to go home. He seemed perfectly OK, and no one knew why or what had been wrong with him. He did come home that night, as he wanted, and has never had a reoccurrence of it ever since. No one knew what had happened, but, equally, no one knew why it stopped. Was it the blessing that Derek and I gave him along with our shear desire for him to get better as soon as possible, or was that just a coincidence? Of course, no one knew, least of all the medical staff, but something had drastically changed. I think that the desires of Derek’s and my heart and the love we both possessed for Elliott were so intense that we caused a physical change in Elliott’s body that cured him. I cannot prove that but I do treat it as a viable alternative.
Those experiences caused a heightened vigilance by us, which caused us to continually wrap him in cotton wool. From their on in Elliott was trouble free. He had an incidence where he thought he was being bullied. The school investigated it but could find no evidence of bullying, yet something told him he was being bullied. He had dyslexia that slowed up his process in learning, but it never stopped it. Indeed, with our help and support, he gained himself a degree in business studies and took a vocational course in car mechanics, which, today in his main source of income, is a mobile mechanic. By the time he had met Hannah, he was a perfect catch. Sadly, Hannah picked up on that pretty quickly and ensnared him. He was a happy go lucky, charismatic, and enchanting character.
Hannah was a girl who was already in a relationship with someone, who was the father, out of wedlock, to her son. She came from a broken home where her parents were separated. Indeed, her mothers new boyfriend was living in the family home, and her mother was extremely mentally ill. Needless to say, that had its effects on Hannah who lacked the security of a normal family where mum was always there for her and, of course, sober. She latched onto Elliott and, like a Jack Russel, would not let him go. She saw her chance for security, and that was the beginning of us losing Elliott.
Elliott became obstinate, argumentative questioning his existence and us. He spent more and more time with her and less and less time with us, which is to be expected but not quite as drastic as it was. All of a sudden Hannah’s opinions and wisdom superseded ours, and Elliott found himself in a three-way relationship that seemed hostile. Before we knew it, Elliott was planning his wedding, and the beginning of the end was insight. He lost his ingrained moral standards and adopted her valley culture, and we began to recognise a demise in his captivating character. Remember that until this point, Elliott and I had never seriously fallen out or disagreed about anything. He had never cheeked Kay or I or was anywhere near hostile to us. He really was a good boy who would always help us out, from loading the van to lending us money for a bond for a house so that we could get him back into a house to finish his education and social integration. He was as loyal as any son could be and cared about the welfare of his parents and siblings, especially during hard times, and there were a number of those in our lives. We were going through the effects and insecurities of bankruptcy and homelessness. Elliott getting married did not threaten us in anyway, it was just an added burden to bear. It was his destiny, so even if we disagreed with some aspects of his plans, we said nothing. It was Elliott’s bed, so he had to lie on it. We considered him sensible enough to cope with all that he was loading on himself, so wè let it happen. After the dog snapped at Thomas Jay, things just got worse, and Hannah became more and more hostile. Our children noticed it and made comment on it several times, turning Hannah into the butt of the family joke.
Elliott got married and slowly but surely the rot began to set in. The first incident that I recall was that our dog went for her son, Thomas Jay. Our shih tzu dog who has a really small mouth and even smaller teeth, but it did not bite him. She just snapped. There is some controversy around that as it was claimed that Thomas Jay hurt the dog causing her to snap but she did not bite him and they left our home happy, without a moan, but to never to return. From that day forth, Hannah refused to come to our home. Even though we said we would lock the small dog away when they came, she still refused to enter into our home. Elliott would visit but on his own. If we wanted to see our grandchildren, we had to go to their home in the valleys. When we went there, Hannah would barely give us the time of day. She would only speak if we spoke to her. Otherwise, she would just sit there with a sour face. Elliott and I then fell out over something trivial. It was then that I excluded him in the heat of the moment, but shortly afterwards, we made friends and were talking as normal. Then, one day, when I was feeling particularly low, I confided in him about how badly Khadra had been treating me. I was venting in confidence to him. It was at the same time as we were about to buy him a family car. We had back pay due to us from PIP of several hundred pounds. Elliott had no car, so every time he had a job to do, he would use my car, and I had to walk wherever I needed to go. So, Kay and I talked about it and decided to buy him a family car to use without him paying us back. We were going to give him £1,500 to buy a car within the next two or three days, but he picked a fight with me, which meant I would no longer be giving him the money. And all because I used him to download my thoughts on. Since then, he began to ignore Kay, Steven, and myself at church. Sometimes sitting right in front of us but not turning around to speak. We sent him a birthday card and present but the next week he gave it to his friend at church, Caroline, to give back to us. His two eldest boys were baptised, but we were not invited, and the Bishop was told to keep it quite so it was not announced, and we did not go to witness either baptism. Kay stood before him in the foyer of the church and, with tears in her eyes, asked Elliott if she could have a hug. He looked right through her and ignored her like she was not there, witnessed by members coming in and out. She asked him two more times with the same effect and had to walk away crying. I stood off at a distance and watched my wife getting upset and distraught. I was being pushed through the corridor of the church by Steven when I came across Elliott talking to Alex and his wife. As we approached him, steven spoke into my ear and asked me why Elliott refused to talk with him. I was annoyed because I had seen him being ignored by Elliott, so I pulled my brake up and looked straight at Elliott and asked him several times why he was not talking to Steven. He gave me the same treatment as he did with Kay and gradually sneaked off behind Alex. If Hannah tells that story, she says that I shouted at Elliott, I did not, and I asked him in front of everyone. It was just Alex and his wife. She was not even there. She tells those lies to make me look bad. She is inherently a liar.
Elliott has not spoken to me for three years. He has blocked me on social media, and he refuses to answer my letters to him. He returns cards, etc, via a third party, he does not allow his children to speak to us, he keeps us away from family events, he walks pa st me like I do not exist. If he speaks to me on Facebook, as he has done recently but has reverted back to giving me the silent treatment, at his wifes command, he address’s me by calling me Derek or his ex-farther specifically to disrespect me. Because he has now been brought to task about giving us the silent treatment, he is now saying that it is us who adopts the silent treatment. Yet, when a close friend spoke to him at church she asked him how his father was. He did not say “oh he does not talk to me” no he said, proudly, “I do not know I do not talk to him” shocked at what he had said and how he had said it she asked him ” what on earth could your father have done for you not to talk to him” but he became awkŵard and passed it off without giving an aswer. That does not sound like me giving him the silent treatment, does it? He twisted the words of Elder Holland to make it OK for him not to talk to us, but then when he realised that he was wrong, he said that it was not him but it was me. Like a Camillian, he has many colours and changes them with the frequency of a traffic light. All of these traits come from the valleys and their culture. We have sent him Olive branches, but he never responds. He says he has nothing to thank us for. We raised Elliott in the LDS church and taught him all the moral standards of the church. We had Elliott and all of his siblings sealed to us for time and all eternity in the sealing room of the London Temple so that we may always be together throughout the eternities. We raised him in a house of order, a house of prayer, a house of love, doing all we could do to return him with honour to his father in heaven. I fear we have failed. We gave him morals to live his life by and values to aspire to. We ensured he was educated to the highest standard possible. We provided attire suitable for his age and, more than often, his fashion. We fed him without fail, morning, noon, and evening. We nurtured him and cared for him both physically and emotionally. We provided him with presents for Christmas and birthdays. We taught him the principle of work and how to best look after his finances. When he scuffed his knee, we put a plaster on it and then cuddled and kissed him all better. We taught him the new commandment “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” He seems to have forgotten it since he moved to the valleys. Nevertheless, we taught him to love everyone, including his siblings, who he says we taught him to hate. Again, an accolade that belongs to his wife’s narcissistic tendancies or his need to lie. Kay taught him to drive, and I helped him buy his first car. When he got married, I paid his shopping bill on numerous occasions so he and his family could eat, I paid for parts for cars he was repairing so he would get paid. I helped him take many cars to the MOT Station for his customers. When he had no car, I would lend him mine so that he could work, and I walked to wherever I needed to go. He does not recognise or appreciate any of these things, and this is the tip of the iceberg. Now he sits in the pew across the aisle from us and pretends like we are not there.
It is not all his fault. This is the result of a narcissistic wife securing what she thinks belongs to her. Below are 15 signs of a narcissist. If you read my blog and Facebook account, you will see evidence of everyone of these traits in the post of Hannah. Just read it and see for yourself. I will try and show examples, like she always refers to her children as hers (my children), never ours, even though she is including Elliott in her rhetoric. It is all about her. It is all on Facebook. It is not assumption or hearsay.

1.Grandiosity
Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone. Yep, that is Hannah

2. Attention seeking
   Narcissists constantly need attention—even just by following you around the house, asking you to find things, or constantly saying something to grab your attention. And validation for a narcissist counts only if it comes from others. Yep, That is Hannah
3. Perfectionism
   Narcissists need everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it. Yep, That is Hannah
4. Controlling behavior
   Narcissists want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control of everything Yep, That is Hannah.
5. Lack of accountability
   Narcissists never want to be responsible unless everything goes their way. They often place all the blame and responsibility on someone else to maintain their own façade of perfection. Yep, That is Hannah
6. No boundaries
   Narcissists lack boundaries. They believe that everything belongs to them and everyone thinks and feels the same as they do. Yep, That is Hannah. They are my children never our children, Elliott belongs to me Yep, that is Hannah
7. Insecurity
   Narcissists perceive everything as a threat. They frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. Yep, That is Hannah
8. Lack of empathy
   Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others and often lack an understanding of the nature of feelings. Yep, That is Hannah
9. Deflection
   Narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They always look to something or someone outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. Yep, That is Hannah
10. Blaming
    A narcissist’s personality is split into good and bad parts. Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others, whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good. Yep, That is Hannah
11. Trust issues
    Narcissists are constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or wrong and often struggle to trust other people. Yep, That is Hannah
12. Anxiety
    Narcissists typically deal with anxiety, and typically project their anxiety onto their closest loved ones, accusing them of being negative or unsupportive.
13. Deep-seated shame
    Narcissists don’t feel much guilt because they think they are always right, and they harbor a lot of shame and often bury their insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that they are constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including themselves. Yep, That is Hannah
14. Lack of love
    Narcissists can’t truly love or connect emotionally with other people because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and their constant need for self-protection. Yep, That is Hannah
15. Not a “team player”
    Narcissists don’t have the capacity or the motivation to communicate or work as part of a team.
    What is a narcissist?
    If you aren’t exactly sure what the term narcissist means, it’s someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a clinically diagnosed personality disorder characterized by grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward other people. Yep, That is Hannah
    In short, it’s someone who believes they’re better than everyone else. Yep, That is Hannah
    Individuals can also display narcissistic personality traits which collectively don’t reach the level of severity to meet a diagnosis of full-on NPD, but nonetheless are important for any therapist and a person’s social entourage to recognize, as they too impact how an individual relates to others and operates in daily life.
    It’s been shown that individuals who have NPD often require constant admiration, show arrogance, entitlement, envy, exploitativeness, lack empathy, self-importance, and more. Wear excessive make up Yep, That is Hannah

The problem here is in recognising where the fault lies and rectifying it. The absolute fact of this is that Hannah should not have meddled in a situation that is so sacred. The raising of your children. It is almost sacralege to critique a parent on how well they did in raising their offspring. It is just not done, especially from someone who is at the beginning of her child rearing experience. No one is an instant expert, and everyone does their best. It is simply not her right to question the way I raised my children when she is just starting out on her journey. It is typical for a narcissist to do just that though. Age and experience is irrelevant it is the mindset of a narcissist to know everything about anything. Repercussions for unrepentant sins can cause problems, so you do not critique others when you are so new to it and prone to errors. The problem is also found in being raised in her broken home. Not all broken homes are like it, but my children seemed to have picked the worst ones available. I am seventy next year, and I have been about a lot in my time coming across all sorts of characters and charlatans. Her mother sent me a message, publicly on Facebook, that was without doubt the most hateful, threatening, sadistic, insulting, angry and deflating message I have ever had the displeasure of reading, full of assumptions, full on lies and innuendos. She is a genuine nut case and a nasty piece of work who I would cross the road to avoid. With Hannah, the apple did not fall far from the tree. I have never met anyone with so many traits and characteristics of a narcissist than she has, and she does not hide it. She is blatant with it. Read the Facebook messages. Because of the lack of security she had with her mum and dad, and the love her mum had with the night life, she holds on to her possessions with a passion and does not like to share anything, including her children and her husband. We are a threat to her happiness. Elliott’s attention must be all on her. There is not enough for us. Nothing will ever change until she recognises her problems

Gas Lighting

I have never heard of the term “gas lighting,” until one day, she accused me of doing it. I found out that it means to say something derogatory to try and make the recipient feel inferior and stupid. I told her that I did not know what gas lighting was. Weeks later, she told me that she is always teaching me new words that I end up using, to try and make me feel inferior to her and stupid and to show her superiority to me, exactly what narcissists do. I had just never heard of the term and I suspect that there are many terms out there that are not in my vocabulary. I know that does not make me stupid. It is one of their most used tools to disarm and stupify their opponents. To soften the meat before you start chewing. Look at my Facebook messages. It is riddled with them. They have become part of who she is. She told me that I was a “terrible father.” She does not know that she was not there. Gas lighting. It is pure nastiness and an underhanded tactic. I honestly cannot see us ever reconciling our differences and becoming friends. She is too corrupt and toxic, too far gone for us to deal with. Too much damage has been done, so I see no way back from it.  It is Valley culture and Valley mentality, and they tend to be proud of it. It is ingrained through conditioned child rearing i.e. poor parenting.

When reading this article I hope it is evident that Kay and I enjoyed raising Elliott into adulthood. From now onwards we will relish that experience and be thankful for it and forget the terrible time he gave us during his emancipation and forgive him and forget it. We will continue to have nothing to with this all new Elliott and his wife and if we live long enough, tell our side of the story to our grandchildren and leave them to make their own minds up. Sadly, they will miss out on our experience and we will miss out on watching them grow up. The alternative is the courts that are costly and messy.