We Did Our Best

I do not get it. I just do not understand. When I seriously consider it, Naomi displays more narcissistic tendencies than any of my children. She just does not care and is never wrong. When she is blatantly wrong, she will give no response to it, like apologise. I had not realised just how narcissistic she really is. But almost as bad is her assumption. She has no need of solid fact. She is like her autonomous sister-in-law, Becci. She assumes that what she thinks is right and runs with it, regardless. If she is wrong, she will block you from her life, and you will not see or hear of her again. Her assumptions are her reality. She assumes that I control her mother and will make up her own facts to prove it. No one controls Kay, least of all me.

Here is the thing, I think I might have come from a completely different era  than my children. From where I come from, there was no such thing as a Chinese takeaway or MacDonalds. The only fish and chips we had were off a mobile fish and chip van. Computers and mobile phones did not exist. We only had three channels on our black and white 21″ TV, and those were all closed by midnight. Our dinner time was at 5.00pm every night and if you were not there, you went without your dinner and were hungry until your supper. And yet, I distinctly remember that my parents were my world, my protectors, my security, my bosses, my providers, my source of comfort, and most of all, I knew that they loved me unconditionally. Many times, I cried myself to sleep when contemplating a world without them and ended up giving myself a panic attack. They were not rich, so we did not have much in the way of toys, clothes or sweets, so we created our own fun and made our own toys and did chores for neighbours to buy sweets. If I fell off my bike and grazed my knee, the first port of call was my mum, who would wisp away the pain magically and quash away the embarrassment instantly. I just loved her and needed them so much. Once, when I was an adult, married with two children, I fell out with her and told her she could not see the children anymore. That upset her, and within 2 or 3 hours, I put the kids in the car and went to her place with Kay and apologised profusely. I felt so guilty for saying that to her, and she was so happy to get an apology from me. I never did that ever again, and to this very day, I regret ever saying it. In stark contrast, my eldest son has selfishly kept his children from us for nearly 10 years. My youngest son, for 3 years, and my daughters, for a year. In my world, that would never have happened for a single day.

I lost my mum when I was just 28, and she was 54 in a tragic accident. I had been married for ten years with three children when she died, and I was devastated, not knowing where she was, where she had gone. I did not know what to do. I did not want to talk to anybody or eat and drink anything. I sat there looking into space or uncontrollably crying. I was in a dream state and felt suicidal. My mum, my security, my friend, my comforter and confident, the only person I would borrow a tenner from. The person who my dad would drop off at my place on his way to work, as a night worker in Taunton Cider co ltd, and I would take her home at around 11.00pm, so she would not be on her own in the house. She was my world. I could not conceive of a world without her in it. I could not comprehend having her in this world without sharing our lives without talking, giving her the silent treatment. She was, after all, my mum and mums meant so much more than they do now.

Can you imagine how I felt when Naomi said to me that she is happy to keep her children as far away from me as possible. That is not how I ever felt about my mother, and if I did, I would never verbalize it. I could not believe my eyes. The daughter that I raised would never be that abhorrent to me, but she was. She was like I was with my mum. Only since she got married to, her current husband, has she become so nasty with a venomous, cruel mouthed. Only since her husband has stolen her away from us, has she become so obnoxious. So vindictive and unkind. So very blinded to the reality she lives in. If I am brutally honest about it, our relationship is now beyond retrieval as her views and opinions are annoyingly always right, and if she has no opinion, well, she will quickly develop one in opposition to mine. I love her because of who she is, but I do not like her persona. She claims the title of a good person but exudes the characteristics of someone who is selfish and mean and must have her own way. A dyed in the wool narcissist.